ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
