I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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