Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
