well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
