Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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