He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
