Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
