There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
