oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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