Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
