I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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