I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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