Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
