My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
