Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
