we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
