the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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