Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
