What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
