mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
