FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
