We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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