I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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