Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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