1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
