Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Randomize
