I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Randomize
