just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
