Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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