Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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