Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
