it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
