He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
