dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Best friends brother. Beat that.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
