I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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