Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My pussy is not your playground.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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