I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
