Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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