he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
