I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
