no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
