I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
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