I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
