Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
