I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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