dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
