Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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