Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
