If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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