I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
